Keep in mind that it will take some time for this new habit to become established into your routine. However, the process of breaking a bad habit is so much quicker and easier if the focus is on your intention -  an exciting new habit – not just on breaking that old bad habit.

Give yourself time and space to practice. Allow for mistakes, and forgetting. This is all an expected part of your transition. It’s normal to feel tension in the process of creating a new routine. Each and every time you act on your new habit, it grows stronger.

You can do it. Don’t give up! 

You must repeat your new conscious thought or action again and again.  Too often, a person begins to change a habit, but then goes back to the same old unwanted feeling or action. That rut begins to re-form. To change the habit now feels like starting over.

This is why old habits are so hard to break. But you can do it!  It will take time.  Each time you resist that old habit, you are making progress.

I hear the cat chewing his food

I see the green leaves of the ficus tree

I taste my lemon tea

I smell the air through the open windows

I feel the cushion of the sofa beneath me

Repeat this process with new sensations, using only four senses. Then repeat again, using only three. Finally, you are left with only one sense to focus on.

The act of attending completely to the senses of your body brings you out of your head and back into your body. This is the antidote to an anxious brain. It grounds you in the moment. Instead of time traveling, you slow down time.

Perhaps as you sit in front of your computer, you can imagine that you see me. Perhaps you’re even doing what I call time traveling, imagining you’re somewhere else.  You might be lamenting a past digression or planning for a future mishap. Not one of these activities involves being grounded in the here and now.

What would you say to being here and now?  You start by tuning into the sensations around you. For example, if you’re at a swimming pool, being grounded means smelling the damp chlorinated water,  feeling the harsh concrete, catching the wavering neon lights reflected on the swirling water, and hearing the echoing voices of earnest participants.

Is it hard for you to stay grounded in the present moment? What price do you pay? When finished, where do you return? When do you say, “I’m back”?

I hope you will accept my challenge to live right here in this present moment. Can you do it?  If not for me, then for you.

At my local hobby club, I have become aware of an undercurrent of swirling energy. I feel it at the edges of my nerves and stomach every time I leave for the club, and I have to brush aside these fluttering  black butterflies detracting from my happiness.  As I drive down the highway, the pavement stretches before my eager tires. My exit is still miles away and out of sight, yet the swarm settles into my gut long before I turn into the parking lot.  

I attempt to distract myself with thoughts of family, work, and to do lists.  Nothing works. I find myself mentally rehearsing the exit plan for locating to another hobby club. This settles me, and I continue thinking of the details of my action plan until the crunch of gravel announces I have arrived at my destination. I focus on my tasks and goals, the reason I am here. I ask myself: how is it that a hobby has turned into an unpleasant affair?

I reach my usual spot and become aware once again of the pull of energy. There are whispers in the corners, gossip and tension. I can’t put my finger on what’s going on. Will I be forced to take sides? Neither side seems right in this conflict.  I feel the unspoken messages in the silences between the words. I don’t want to be part of this. The energy hooks you in, enticing and seducing you to feed it; it grows and spreads. That’s the way with drama.

When I encounter drama in my life, I work to practice good healthy habits, distancing myself so I don’t catch this viral contagion. 

Centered Mindfulness Is . . .

Silent
Stable
Peaceful
Inclusive
Calm
Joyful
Easy
Friendly
Nonjudgmental
Balanced
Restful
Fluid
Unaffected
Undisturbed
Appropriate
Respectful of Boundaries
Enduring
Empowering
Positive

Unnecessary
Situational
Conflict laden
Hooking you
Opposing
Gossipy
Negative
Reactive
Hidden
Exclusive
Triangulating
Misinterpreting
Distorting
Skewed thinking
Unresolved
Tangled
False
Producing low esteem
Anxious
Emotional
Angry
Misplaced
Temporary

Many of us believe happiness is a state of being we will arrive at when we are successful or deserving. We tell ourselves, “I’ll be happy when I have x amount of money,” or “I’ll be happy when my child graduates from college.” But happiness is not an outcome, an end result or an arrival point. Happiness is a skill.

The skill of happiness depends on being optimistic – and that can require hard work. In order to have optimism, a person has to change her thinking. Such change takes practice.

A professional basketball player has many special skills, such as the ability to jump high. With one split-second astronomical jump, the pro ball player can score and win the game. Most likely he or she was born with an athletic gift, but this was developed through practice. In fact, if you or I were to practice our more ordinary style of jumping, we too would improve, at our own rate.

Improvements in life are made through practice.

Just as you may or may not have the pro ball player’s natural gift of jumping high, you may or may not have the natural tendency to “look on the bright side.” If it’s your gift, practice it. If it isn’t your gift, through practice you too will gain in optimism.

Isn’t it worth it, to concentrate your efforts on positive thoughts? You won’t have to wait for some dollar amount or event or personal achievement. You’ll be creating happiness here and now.

Have you ever gotten into someone’s car that looked and smelled like the bottom of a purse? It may have been dusty and dirty, with papers and candy wrappers scattered on the floor, as well as a forgotten tube of lipstick. The back seat was loaded with junk.  After moving things around to find room for your feet, you climbed in for the ride, and carelessly tossed a Kleenex on top of the other trash. The owner showed irritation, and you were suprised. It certainly had looked as if she could care less. Why else would all that stuff be lying around?

In contrast, when you got into a car that was well maintained and tidy, with supple, conditioned seats and a fresh, clean scent, you felt quite differently. There was a certain sense about the car and what you could do in it.  Did you carelessly drop anything on the floor? Or did you take the time to look for a place for your Kleenex or gum wrapper? Perhaps you even held it in your hand until you could find a trash can.

In each car, you picked up on an underlying message. You made an assumption of value regarding your surroundings.  When the car was well taken care of, the message of worth reached you loud and clear. It made you want to keep the car looking good. 

Which message are you sending about yourself?

Invariably the topic of self esteem comes up when working with women. Many report, “I have low self esteem,” in a flat tone as if reciting the facts of fruit fly reproduction. Just this way, a client recently stated this “fact.”

I responded by saying, “You tell me you don’t have it. I wonder if you can tell me when you do have it. What will it feel like?  How will you know you have it? What exactly is self-esteem?” These were questions she had never before considered.  

Self esteem is not all that complicated. It is merely the idea you have of yourself. How is this idea formed? Early experiences and life circumstances shape this view.  After a while, a person develops a way of looking at life and her place in it. You may begin to see yourself as someone without success. Many of us start out with high self esteem and somehow lose it along the way.

We need to work to retain self-esteem. We need to embrace our sisters, daughters and mothers, helping them speak well of themselves. We need to remember our own successes and reframe negative experiences as learning moments.

One way to increase self-esteem is simply to engage in self-care. We are wired to value the things we take care of. The reverse is also true – we take care of what we value. This is why it’s good to ask ourselves from time to time, Why am I not taking care of myself?

We as women can make it a point to experience self-esteem. We can appreciate the difference it makes, rather than just talk about not having it.