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Many of us believe happiness is a state of being we will arrive at when we are successful or deserving. We tell ourselves, “I’ll be happy when I have x amount of money,” or “I’ll be happy when my child graduates from college.” But happiness is not an outcome, an end result or an arrival point. Happiness is a skill.
The skill of happiness depends on being optimistic – and that can require hard work. In order to have optimism, a person has to change her thinking. Such change takes practice.
A professional basketball player has many special skills, such as the ability to jump high. With one split-second astronomical jump, the pro ball player can score and win the game. Most likely he or she was born with an athletic gift, but this was developed through practice. In fact, if you or I were to practice our more ordinary style of jumping, we too would improve, at our own rate.
Improvements in life are made through practice.
Just as you may or may not have the pro ball player’s natural gift of jumping high, you may or may not have the natural tendency to “look on the bright side.” If it’s your gift, practice it. If it isn’t your gift, through practice you too will gain in optimism.
Isn’t it worth it, to concentrate your efforts on positive thoughts? You won’t have to wait for some dollar amount or event or personal achievement. You’ll be creating happiness here and now.
Have you ever gotten into someone’s car that looked and smelled like the bottom of a purse? It may have been dusty and dirty, with papers and candy wrappers scattered on the floor, as well as a forgotten tube of lipstick. The back seat was loaded with junk. After moving things around to find room for your feet, you climbed in for the ride, and carelessly tossed a Kleenex on top of the other trash. The owner showed irritation, and you were suprised. It certainly had looked as if she could care less. Why else would all that stuff be lying around?
In contrast, when you got into a car that was well maintained and tidy, with supple, conditioned seats and a fresh, clean scent, you felt quite differently. There was a certain sense about the car and what you could do in it. Did you carelessly drop anything on the floor? Or did you take the time to look for a place for your Kleenex or gum wrapper? Perhaps you even held it in your hand until you could find a trash can.
In each car, you picked up on an underlying message. You made an assumption of value regarding your surroundings. When the car was well taken care of, the message of worth reached you loud and clear. It made you want to keep the car looking good.
Which message are you sending about yourself?
Invariably the topic of self esteem comes up when working with women. Many report, “I have low self esteem,” in a flat tone as if reciting the facts of fruit fly reproduction. Just this way, a client recently stated this “fact.”
I responded by saying, “You tell me you don’t have it. I wonder if you can tell me when you do have it. What will it feel like? How will you know you have it? What exactly is self-esteem?” These were questions she had never before considered.
Self esteem is not all that complicated. It is merely the idea you have of yourself. How is this idea formed? Early experiences and life circumstances shape this view. After a while, a person develops a way of looking at life and her place in it. You may begin to see yourself as someone without success. Many of us start out with high self esteem and somehow lose it along the way.
We need to work to retain self-esteem. We need to embrace our sisters, daughters and mothers, helping them speak well of themselves. We need to remember our own successes and reframe negative experiences as learning moments.
One way to increase self-esteem is simply to engage in self-care. We are wired to value the things we take care of. The reverse is also true – we take care of what we value. This is why it’s good to ask ourselves from time to time, Why am I not taking care of myself?
We as women can make it a point to experience self-esteem. We can appreciate the difference it makes, rather than just talk about not having it.
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Categories : Self Esteem
I recently had the experience of oversharing. It wasn’t the inappropriate oversharing of personal information, but rather a professional oversharing. I was discussing with peers and colleagues how I achieved some particular success. My excitement and passion for my work spilled over, in spite of myself. I was all too eager.
How is it I don’t contain myself, hold some reserve? Does the very act of containment tamper the enjoyment, passion and excitement? Can one be intentional in the art of sharing by paying more attention to the listeners? I think so. I think I can hold onto my initial enjoyment without creating the spillover. So I change my focus, from myself to my audience.
Sometimes the level of passion does become dampened when I contain myself in this way. And yet, I am making the choice to keep things a little more under wraps – not out of fear, but out of strength. This practice has changed me. I feel more centered. In this way I am providing my own professional self-care. The excitement and passion have moved into joy.
One night when I was in grade school, I dreamed of a crow flying with a snake in its talons. The next morning while waiting for the bus, I saw a crow fly low overhead with a dead snake dangling down its talons. What does this mean? I asked myself.
I began to pay close attention to my dreams. I noticed patterns and curious coincidences. Fragments of nightly dreams were often played out the next day. How could this be happening?
I would remember dreams after a small environmental trigger – a sight or sound that served as a sudden reminder of the previous night’s dream. Once I was riding in a car and someone during the conversation mentioned their favorite movie. I flashed to a dream I had the night before, which I had forgotten until that moment.
I began searching for answers to what might be happening with my dreams. I found many books that guided me well, and some that were not so informative. As I got older, my research into the meanings and reasons for dreams widened to include various theories. I developed a way of looking at and deciphering my dreams’ mysterious messages.
The dreams I have had over the years have become so important in my personal and professional development it would be difficult to separate them from the rest of my life. I rely on them for guidance and reality checks. They help me shift perspective to include a wider range of information. Dreams guide me in making decisions, working with clients, dealing with professionals, and even gaining understandings into how things are going to turn out. I have become accustomed to using my dreams as sign posts on my journey through this world. They never steer me off course.
Life sometimes feels like a highway which is bumper to bumper in expectations, wants and needs. Have you ever tried getting somewhere when you were rudely cut off, tailgated, or delayed by an agonizingly slow driver? What was your reaction? Often we don’t take the time to look at these incidents objectively. We read too much into things, saying to ourselves, Why is this person slowing me down? I’m in a hurry and they need to get out of the way! We forget that the annoying driver is a someone also trying to get somewhere. Our fast-paced society makes us all feel anxious about getting where we need to go. In the end, this can even lead to road rage.
Have you ever been at an intersection, minding your own business, when a honk startles you out of your daydream? You feel offended and upset. What you may forget is that the intrusion wasn’t anything personal. That driver behind you felt the stress and anxiousness you yourself have felt. She didn’t realize that this offense was nothing personal, just a simple case of not seeing the light turn green.
It may be tempting to “get even” with other impatient drivers, perhaps with a glare as they zoom past you. On the other hand, when I’m the offending driver, I may offer a sorry smile. But the important thing is to understand the reason for the driver’s behavior. Recall what it is to be stressed and in a hurry. Acknowledge this, and as much as you can, move out of the way and let the anxious driver – and all those negative thoughts – go on past.
I’m sitting here at lunch by myself with menus scattered around me like gin cards – but instead I’m playing solitaire. My lunch companion does not appear. I feel the rising tide of anger and stop it before it reaches my face, circumventing it to my head. I’m so angry! Wait: why am I so angry? It’s a nice day, I so seldom take time to eat away from my office, and the food is really good.
The waiter has eyes that jump to the side, and a smile that doesn’t reach beyond his teeth. Does he feel embarrassed for me? I’m not embarrassed, I’m too busy fighting the angry tide. I push it aside. My salad of blue cheese, walnut, and pear is tasty. I note the fact there weren’t many vegan items to select – only this salad. I don’t like eating here, I decide. In fact, I don’t really want to be here at all. And I wouldn’t be – if I wasn’t doing this for Lorraine.
It was Lorrine’s idea and she isn’t even here, I think. Couldn’t she have called me ahead? Perhaps, I shouldn’t be doing something I’m not interested in. The idea was good – but it hasn’t worked up to now. If only I had said no! From now on, I tell myself, I’m going to follow my instincts. I will listen to what I want.
Doing for others is a trap. I think I’m heading into the sunshine, then find myself in the darkness. That first ray of sun lures me with promises, but leads down a tunnel with a trap door spider lying in wait.
In all, it’s been a lunch well spent, because I’ve worked through my anger, found out what I was really angry about. I’ve made a choice that will lead me into the sunlight.
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Categories : Anger
Tags : Anger, doing for others
How can you tell if someone is motivated?
Motivation refers to the initiation, direction of intensity and
persistence of behavior (Green, 95).
Motivation means to move, deployment of energy is often evidence of motivation.
This motivation is the desire and willingness to do.
Indirect motivation-action satisfies an intermediate goal which can
lead to satisfaction of a need; money.
Direct motivation-action satisfies the need; job satisfaction.
To produce the highest level of motivation, extrinsic and intrinsic
goals need to be combined.
Extrinsic goals are:
- Reinforces that come from outside of your self.
- External rewards such as praise, money (when value is placed on money)
- Food, toys, etc. (yes many people are and do get rewarded with food) Read More→
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Categories : Motivation
Tags : Goals, Motivation
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